Funny Condom Names/Nicknames

The eight-year term of President Bill Clinton was a period of relative peace and prosperity. Unfortunately, his term of office is likely to be remembered by history for events of a far different nature.

In 2005, the Guangzhou Haokian Bio-science company of China introduced a line of condoms named for our 43rd president (with the Chinese spelling of Kelitun). A 12-pack of Clintons sold for $5.00. Too much? How about $3.00 for a dozen of the company’s Laiwensiji (for Monica Lewinsky) brand condoms?

Over the years, condoms have been known by a host of different names. Some of them are inventively descriptive, while others sound strangely cryptic to the ears of modern readers. The following is just a sample, and is assumed by this writer to be far from complete:

Bob – (why Bob?)

Cock Sock

Condominium

Condomus Maximus

Dick-Sock

Dinger

Dobber

Franger

French Letter

Gentleman’s Jerkin

The Goalie

Hats

Hazmat Suit

Jimmie Hatz

Jimmy

Jimmy Hat

Johnnies

Johnny Bag

Love Glove

Love Sock

Mr. Prevention

Nodding Sock

Poshie

Prophelactic

Raincoat

Robber

Robber Johnnies

Rubber

Rubber Magic

Rubber Straitjacket

Rubberz

Salami Sling

Sex Shark Warmer

Sheaths

Snake Charmer

The Tour Guide

Willie Hat

Willie Warmer

Condom users in other lands have their own names:

Denmark – Gummimand¬≠, for “Rubberman,”

Hungary – Ovsver, for “Safety Tool,”

Hong King – Pei Dang Vi, for “Bulletproof Vest,”

Portugal – Camisa De Venus, for “Venus Shirt,”

Nigeria – Okpuamu, for “Penis Hat,”

Indonesia – Koteca, for “Penis Gourd,” and

Spain – globo, for “Balloon.”

In England, French Letters will protect you against the French Disease, while a French man might choose to protect himself from La Maladie Anglaise (the English disease), or (the Italian or Neopolitan disease). A Francophobic German might choose to wear a Pariser (Parisian). Many Arabs attribute the scourge of syphilis to the English (the English disease), while the Russians blame the Poles (the Polish disease).

If you have a name to add to the list, we’d love to hear it! Drop it in the comments below


Comments

George says:

Your intro paragraphs touching on sex scandals of past Presidents, namely Bill Clinton, is reminding me so much of some recent venturings around New York City and hearing people try to sell Obama condoms. I only heard about them in passing, as I would find it rather embarrassing to stop and look, especially since I was there with my family. Still, I kept the name in my mind and looked them up online. I must say they are priceless. It is very funny to see novelty condoms, much less condoms with pictures of our Presidents on them. I can just imagine the hilarity of putting one of them on and approaching your sexual partner. Great stuff here!

Andrew Rutridge says:

Going off of these funny condom names and nicknames, it made me think of something I saw with regards to Trojan condoms. Why would anyone want to use condoms from a brand who brings back memories of the story of the Trojan horse where hundreds of men broke out of an ran amok causing violence and death in the Greek city? When you think of the Trojan condom brand like that, you can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous the name is. Sure, the Trojan army was pretty awesome and strong, but it only brings back memories of the Trojan horse story which is passed on from generation to generation.

Jessica S. says:

I could definitely add one nickname that I have for condoms: “schtick.” It sort of references a comedy routine that sticks to schtick. I use this because condoms are kind of funny, even funnier when they are flavored like the one’s sold on this website! Condoms make sex kind of funny to me. Not necessarily in a bad way, as it is a good thing to use them for protection and yadda yadda. You hear the spiel just about anywhere you go related to condoms and sex. Still, the point remains, condoms are funny! They’re like clothing for the penis, and when you think of it like that it is pure comedy gold! Hence, the “schtick.” And for the guys, they wear it on their stick! Do you think I should go on to be a comedian? haha.

Adam Larkin says:

This one is pretty hilarious, though undoubtedly very offensive. One name I made up for condoms is the “Shroud of Turin.” Maybe for any anti-religious people (like myself) roaming the world, this one might ring true. Hopefully the condom you are using doesn’t work in the same way as the alleged shroud, either, otherwise you will not be wearing one! Hopefully this isn’t too “bad” of a nick name for your website, though I would think a site dealing with sex wouldn’t be too offended by anything else. I am really enjoying the list here too, by the way. I never would have thought of so many names on my own! Sometimes I think people have too much time on their hands, or maybe not if they’re spending it all having sex! Flavored condoms for the win!!!

Calvin says:

Great list! I tend to stick with the classic “rubber” when I am referring to my condoms, if I give them a nickname at all. In all honesty, I’m not even sure why condoms have received that nickname either. Last I checked condoms were not made out rubber, am I right? They are generally made out of latex, and I don’t think latex is a member of the rubber family? Then again, I may be wrong. Maybe it’s time for me to go ask Google.

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